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It all starts innocuously enough.  You start with baby bags.  Bam: Eddie Bauer bag in a decent gender-neutral color.  It’s the cheapest one up there.  Scan and move on!

OH WAIT YOUR SCANNER TELLS YOU THAT THE REVIEWS ARE TERRIBLE.  HOPE THAT THIS DOES NOT BECOME A THEME.

You learn quickly: the number of pockets increases exponentially with the price.  If the $30 bag has 15 pockets, than the $150 bag will probably have 759,375.  Strike a balance.  The $50 bag probably only has 678 pockets and the reviews are good.

Move on.

Next up are bouncers.  This seems like a simple enough product.  Put a baby in it, it bounces.  Bam, that one looks awesome.  Scan and move on!

OH WAIT THE REVIEWS ARE TERRIBLE.

You probably should have seen this coming, but bouncers have more features than your first car.  They vibrate.  They do the bouncing for the kid.  They play music.  They provide turn-by-turn directions.  You suspect this is getting ridiculous.

Do your best.  Move on.

Strollers.  You start to get a twinge of doubt that you will leave the store alive.  Strollers, you have discovered, aren’t just about choosing one that looks good and works well.  First you have to choose WHAT KIND of stroller you want.  Jogging stroller?  Regular stroller?  THREE IN ONE STROLLER?

Give in to the appeal of the multitasker.  Decide to narrow the search to the carseat/stroller/carrier combo.  Regret this decision almost immediately.

Look like a newbie: try and deal with the stroller while it’s on the shelf.  Knock the price magnet onto your head.  Struggle to separate the carrier from the stroller.  Realize with increasing rage that you can take the stroller off the shelf.  Knock the price magnet onto your head.  Begin to lose it.  Attempt to utilize the stroller’s one-hand gravity fold.  Marvel at its ingenuity.

Remember this moment.  It is the last moment you will have your dignity.

Attempt to reconstitute the stroller.  Struggle.  Struggle.  Involve Terri.  Struggle together.  Begin to curse.  Look forlornly at an employee and ask for help.  Struggle as a group.  Hang your head in shame as the employee radios for help and then grimace in a more overwhelming kind of shame as the young man reaches down and unhooks the simple latch and the stroller reassembles itself.

THANK YOU SIR THIS STROLLER IS AWESOME.

Scan it fine you’ve stopped caring about strollers put it back on the shelf and knock the price magnet on your head and THIS THIS THIS IS PROBABLY CLOSE TO THE END.

The rest is a blur.  There are things on the registry which means you managed to scan things and were at least begrudgingly okay with the ratings.  You got home.  That is what matters.

Terri sums up the entire experience nicely for you: “All I know about strollers after two days of intense research is that I hate them.”